Ill-tempered Squadron vs Leamington HC - 25.2.18
This match report has an accompanying soundtrack to enhance your experience of events.
Please see appendix 1 for track list and play appropriate track when indicated to do so by text.
Never in the 6000-year history of the earth has a more epic quest to a low level sporting even
been undertaken. (Track 1) As a winter sun beat down on the slopes of Serre Chevalier
Warwick Medics hockey clubs most valuable player was excelling at yet another sport,
downhill skiing. Once his coaching session with the French national team had finished and he
had finished his beer with Kasim (who just happened to be there too). Richard boarded a
peasant coach for the journey back to the UK. As the hours whiled away Richard undertook
extensive psychological conditioning to prepare for the big game*.
Please see Figure 1 which demonstrates journey undertaken.
If you want to see an even weirder bunch of people than the membership of Warwick
Allotment Society. I suggest trying a 4am Calais to Dover ferry. No person with any control
over their own destiny would be on that thing. Sadly, it really is the only thing that puts me
off becoming a long distance continental lorry driver. Imagine life on the open road. In my rig
(lorry driver term for a lorry) just out cruising with no one to answer to but my delivery
schedule. Jeremy Clarkson summarised it well “It’s a hard job. Change gear, change gear,
check your mirrors, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder, mirrors, change
gear.” Anyway basically long coach journey delays etc etc. I was late to the match.
*Does on and off sleep for 12 hours whilst sitting up count as psychological conditioning?
(Track 2) I missed the first half so have no real comments. Apparently Chloe Christie scored.
Much like Katie at Pop on Wednesday. Wahey! (dabs). (Track 3) And Chloe took possibly the
world P flick known to man/women/no binary etc.
(Track 4) As for the second half, it was end to end stuff. We would attack. Fail to score. Then
let the defence deal with the counter attack, which the defence did extremely well. Also Chris
had a great outing in net, deservedly winning man of the match. Richard missed missed a 3
on 1, should have been top bins but a strong wind took the ball wide of the goal (is it annoying
when I refer to myself in third person). Also the umpire at the far end was a joke, I know it
was probably her first time and all but she gave a 16 when their player kicked the ball in their
own D claiming that was negated by my dangerous swing, even though I didn’t swing at the
ball? Also how many slip passes did their centre back want to make. I think he must have
learnt to slip pass a few years ago because he saw a Midlands prem player do it and thought
that was the most essential skill to have in his arsenal. But because of this never learnt to play
a proper slap pass. Anyway we made him look better than he was.
(Track 5) What else happened? There keeper was pretty good. We put in some decent shots
against him and he kept Leamington in the game. Really we were victims of our own success.
We were able to move the ball up the pitch so easily that we became too relaxed defensively.
Allowing Leamington into our 22 unnecessarily. Unlike when we played Birmingham where in
the second half we were very defensively solid which gave us some control over the game. If
we had channelled some of that into our game, we could have won 3 or 4 nil. (Track 6)
Wasn’t number two up front aggy. Like yeah she had some skills but James made her look shit
and she couldn’t deal with it so took it out on the umpires. Cameron you played pretty well
for you. Thornton can have “player” of the week #lad. Twiggs was the only one in midfield
who seemed to understand we play in formation, credit. Kate Berwick did you even play hun?
Generally, pretty good first half by the sounds of it. Then I came along and fucked it up. We
will probably win next time if Harry isn’t off with his secret girlfriend. Also I missed Gurdy <3.
Peace.
(Track 7) Roll credits.
Appendix A – Track list
1. Glen Campbell – Wichita Lineman
2. Akon – I Wanna Love You
3. Busted – You said no
4. Macy Gray – I Try
5. Stevie Wonder – Lately
6. Lighthouse Family – High
7. The Saturdays – Issues
This match report has an accompanying soundtrack to enhance your experience of events.
Please see appendix 1 for track list and play appropriate track when indicated to do so by text.
Never in the 6000-year history of the earth has a more epic quest to a low level sporting even
been undertaken. (Track 1) As a winter sun beat down on the slopes of Serre Chevalier
Warwick Medics hockey clubs most valuable player was excelling at yet another sport,
downhill skiing. Once his coaching session with the French national team had finished and he
had finished his beer with Kasim (who just happened to be there too). Richard boarded a
peasant coach for the journey back to the UK. As the hours whiled away Richard undertook
extensive psychological conditioning to prepare for the big game*.
Please see Figure 1 which demonstrates journey undertaken.
If you want to see an even weirder bunch of people than the membership of Warwick
Allotment Society. I suggest trying a 4am Calais to Dover ferry. No person with any control
over their own destiny would be on that thing. Sadly, it really is the only thing that puts me
off becoming a long distance continental lorry driver. Imagine life on the open road. In my rig
(lorry driver term for a lorry) just out cruising with no one to answer to but my delivery
schedule. Jeremy Clarkson summarised it well “It’s a hard job. Change gear, change gear,
check your mirrors, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder, mirrors, change
gear.” Anyway basically long coach journey delays etc etc. I was late to the match.
*Does on and off sleep for 12 hours whilst sitting up count as psychological conditioning?
(Track 2) I missed the first half so have no real comments. Apparently Chloe Christie scored.
Much like Katie at Pop on Wednesday. Wahey! (dabs). (Track 3) And Chloe took possibly the
world P flick known to man/women/no binary etc.
(Track 4) As for the second half, it was end to end stuff. We would attack. Fail to score. Then
let the defence deal with the counter attack, which the defence did extremely well. Also Chris
had a great outing in net, deservedly winning man of the match. Richard missed missed a 3
on 1, should have been top bins but a strong wind took the ball wide of the goal (is it annoying
when I refer to myself in third person). Also the umpire at the far end was a joke, I know it
was probably her first time and all but she gave a 16 when their player kicked the ball in their
own D claiming that was negated by my dangerous swing, even though I didn’t swing at the
ball? Also how many slip passes did their centre back want to make. I think he must have
learnt to slip pass a few years ago because he saw a Midlands prem player do it and thought
that was the most essential skill to have in his arsenal. But because of this never learnt to play
a proper slap pass. Anyway we made him look better than he was.
(Track 5) What else happened? There keeper was pretty good. We put in some decent shots
against him and he kept Leamington in the game. Really we were victims of our own success.
We were able to move the ball up the pitch so easily that we became too relaxed defensively.
Allowing Leamington into our 22 unnecessarily. Unlike when we played Birmingham where in
the second half we were very defensively solid which gave us some control over the game. If
we had channelled some of that into our game, we could have won 3 or 4 nil. (Track 6)
Wasn’t number two up front aggy. Like yeah she had some skills but James made her look shit
and she couldn’t deal with it so took it out on the umpires. Cameron you played pretty well
for you. Thornton can have “player” of the week #lad. Twiggs was the only one in midfield
who seemed to understand we play in formation, credit. Kate Berwick did you even play hun?
Generally, pretty good first half by the sounds of it. Then I came along and fucked it up. We
will probably win next time if Harry isn’t off with his secret girlfriend. Also I missed Gurdy <3.
Peace.
(Track 7) Roll credits.
Appendix A – Track list
1. Glen Campbell – Wichita Lineman
2. Akon – I Wanna Love You
3. Busted – You said no
4. Macy Gray – I Try
5. Stevie Wonder – Lately
6. Lighthouse Family – High
7. The Saturdays – Issues